Parenting is for Life, not just for Christmas…

If you have children together then stopping being in a relationship with your partner does not stop you being parents together, and this remains a fact however old the children are.

Co-Parenting is generally used to describe a positive approach to  arrangements where both parents remain committed to being pro-active and involved in the lives of their children and continue to  communicate with each other working together to decide what’s best for their children and deal with issues they come across as they’re growing up. It assumes shared financial responsibility, day-to-day care, inclusion in decision-making. It may mean that the children spend equal time with both parents although this is not necessarily the case.

The one thing co-parenting is not, is easy, but it is undoubtedly better for the children to have parents who are able to be civil and to be actively involved not only in their day to day lives in childhood but also beyond at celebrations of birthdays; weddings, and even one day at grand children’s birthday parties!

“Let it go”

In a poem in 1971 Philip Larkin wrote

“They f*** you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra, just for you.”

These lines were quoted in the Appeal Court in London by Lord Justice Wall who went on to say “These four lines seem to me to give a clear warning to parents who, post-separation, continue to fight the battles of the past, and show each other no respect.”

Whether your relationship fizzled out: never existed; or ended in acrimony to co -parent successfully the emotions connected with that needs to be kept away from the “business” relationship which is being undertaken to ensure the best outcome for your child.

This does not mean that you cannot grieve your lost relationship or vent your frustrations to those you love, indeed it is important that you make time for this so that hurt and anger do not spill over into  your parenting relationship; but make sure the grieving and venting take place when the children are not with you or even in the house

Children first

Whatever the past has involved and however you are feeling towards each other, your focus should be on the needs of your child or children – their security and sense of stability should be the foremost consideration.

Having different parenting styles need not be a problem, it is unlikely that you will agree on all rules regarding behaviour and discipline, bedtimes, screen time, playtime, personal hygiene, and household chores but as long as you are both committed to raising your children in a healthy and supportive environment, you should not try to micromanage each other’s day-to-day parenting decisions.

Communicate

You need to find  a way to communicate in a positive way that works for you both and minimises the possibility of confusion.  Keep it business like and clear, concise, and respectful.  It is a cliché – but do try and think about how what you are writing or texting  would sound like if it was read out in a court room – or what the transcript would sound like without context.  If it wouldn’t sound good then don’t send or say it!

Compromise

What works this year may not work next year; children’s activities and social lives become ever more complex and over time there will be important events that will mean the usual routines will need to be altered.  If you are the one asking for a change then be generous in the alternative time you are offering; if you are the one being asked then remember one day you may be the one doing the asking.

Finally

In an interview in 2024,Paloma Faith said: “I don’t like the word co-parent because co implies it is 50/50 and I don’t believe it is. There are definitely some men pulling in a lot of the work.

The truth is that it is likely that in any co-parenting relationship there is one parent who will carry the greater load and will know which piece of school kit needs to be where at any one time, and who needs to be where and for what.  It is not gender specific but it is part of parenting – we all play to our strengths – but it also does not negate the concept of co-parenting.

Article dated: 25/02/2025

Written by Amanda Page, Senior Family Law Solicitor